In love with a monster

What is a relationship? – One thing I never understood until this day, growing up I saw a mixture of relationships but the only one I was completely familiar with was one full of arguments and fighting. Separated from that environment I found myself a boyfriend, someone who I truly believed I loved and he loved me too, but from his point of view it turned out to be nothing more than a couple of words. A couple months into our relationship little things started causing problems! He became so jealous but as a thirteen year old girl that knew nothing but bad environments, I was none the wiser.  All of a sudden I wasn’t allowed friends, I wasn’t allowed boys messaging me, I wasn’t to be messaging boys, I didn’t control what I wore, my makeup was left in its bag collecting dust and if that wasn’t the case there was a punishment. At first thoughts I felt so scared but stubborn to make things work make him happy like he made me.

He knew what I had been through as a child and to my late realisation he used that against me, he got a thrill from hurting me and making me feel worthless, useless, and not good enough and making me believe that was normality. My Nan tried her absolute hardest to break us up and so did the police but I wouldn’t have it I loved him and no one was going to take him away from me. I resented my Nan I hated the police so gradually I became nothing but lonely and only had him to latch onto which then made me stick to the violence which spiralled so quickly out of control.

I,d go with split lips, black eyes, cuts, grazes and bruising and I never could see exactly what was going on around me. I stayed in this toxic relationship for two years until it was my fifteenth birthday and ex friend had overheard a conversation between us two, pulled me over to the side and asked if I was okay, and for the first time in eighteen months I felt like someone cared for me! Not to tell me get out of there just a simple “are you okay?” And it gave me a huge overwhelming feeling of courage, of braveness, of strength and most of all true happiness! I burst into tears and told her exactly what was going on, and a gigantic wave of realization came over me, “I don’t need him” was all I could think , and that day onwards change my life in the best way possible.

All along I had been fighting for him, and then I realised I was fighting to be lied to, fighting to be taken for granted fighting to be disappointed, fighting for nothing, just fighting to be hurt again and again…. So I realised it was time to fight to let go and that day I walked away and never looked back, and the only fighting I had left to do now was to get my life back!

He was taken to court, and even though it wasn’t the outcome we all hoped for, it was enough justice for me just knowing that I walked away and I wasn’t going to spend another second of my life with him in it. I felt like a dove spreading my wings and flying so high mine and my Nans relationship has developed into one of the best friendships I have ever had.

I Survived! And so can you! Family will always be there to fall on, sometimes only you can realise because everyone around you telling you he or she isn’t good enough only ever motivated me to prove them all wrong,  tell him boy bye, because there plenty fish in the sea but the only I’ve got to love is I , myself and me!